3. The appeal of control

There is an appeal in control that I can't quite put my finger on, when it comes to me personally.

I know where it comes from, to an extent. Who doesn't enjoy having some sort of power in their life when they so lacked it elsewhere? I've always been vying for power in my life, for control. Originally, it was through harming myself in some way. Controlling what I eat and when I bleed, it was easier because where else would this need to hurt and control go but towards myself?

Anyways, becoming a sadist saved my life from that horrible cycle, no longer do I hurt myself to feel in control. Who wouldn't love being able to consensually hurt another? Anger has been a feeling that I have had repressed for a long time, frustration and angst and hatred devoid from any logic, these are all things I try to not think about because it makes me a bad person to feel this way.

That is to say, yes, my dear reader. I'm so normal, and my sadism is also more than just a coping mechanism because I think blood, cuts and bruises are hot and hurting people turns me on.

2. Ego and Sadism (2)

It's so ironic that in my personal life, I find myself having to appease everyone and everything at all times. More often than not, it's an exhausting thing that leaves me upset in private. Otherwise, It's a flaw I've been trying to rid myself of. I put on this veneer all the time, no matter where I am. Sometimes it's the put together sadistic dom, and other times it's the caretaker friend that eventually comes to hate you for things you didn't know.

That is to say, I think this sadism comes from repression and blah blah blah, everyone says this, but I geniunely think my constant masking of being a polite, kind person has led to this sort of desperate need to hurt someone else. This sucks.

1. Ego and Sadism

I've always considered myself to be two people, before and after 2020 because the person I was in my situation prior, and the person I was upon gaining freedom are night and day. That is to say, my strange need for control and power has only grown tenfold, along with my ego. I used to be quite self concious, and whilst I have brief, fleeting moments of anxiety in social situations, overall I find my depression to lie more in the "the world is unfair and I deserve better" range.

What is funny is, I was a quiet, self concious, anxious child who hated power and control more than anything and thrived when told what to do. I have found that this shift from passiveness to aggressive has also been mirrored by my... sexual preferences, if you'd so believe it.

Would you believe me if I said I didn't have a sadistic bone in my body? That once, there used to be a masochistic sub? Sends shivers down my spine, really. I've been reflecting on why I've had such a shift in personality and what brings me pleasure. Is it the ability to be able to think for myself? Is it an addiction to knowing I can bring someone immense pleasure or pain, for once having control of something I thought myself unable to ever have? Or am I overthinking about nothing?

There's no use in speculating, though it is unfortunate I'm so uncomfortable in submissive roles now. One day perhaps, I will be comfortable in that.
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