Ego and Sadism

I've always considered myself to be two people, before and after 2020 because the person I was in my situation prior, and the person I was upon gaining freedom are night and day. That is to say, my strange need for control and power has only grown tenfold, along with my ego. I used to be quite self concious, and whilst I have brief, fleeting moments of anxiety in social situations, overall I find my depression to lie more in the "the world is unfair and I deserve better" range.

What is funny is, I was a quiet, self concious, anxious child who hated power and control more than anything and thrived when told what to do. I have found that this shift from passiveness to aggressive has also been mirrored by my... sexual preferences, if you'd so believe it.

Would you believe me if I said I didn't have a sadistic bone in my body? That once, there used to be a masochistic sub? Sends shivers down my spine, really. I've been reflecting on why I've had such a shift in personality and what brings me pleasure. Is it the ability to be able to think for myself? Is it an addiction to knowing I can bring someone immense pleasure or pain, for once having control of something I thought myself unable to ever have? Or am I overthinking about nothing?

There's no use in speculating, though it is unfortunate I'm so uncomfortable in submissive roles now. One day perhaps, I will be comfortable in that.
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